Meaning

The word takes on so much significance this time of the year. Birthdays drive me to reconsider who I am and what I’m doing with my life. Having this milestone birthday on the heels of a roller coaster emotional month is kicking my philosophical ass.

Buddy was my birthday present to myself 9 years ago. And here we are wondering when, not if, it’s time for him to go. He’s been very close and then he bounces back. Today he’s better, yesterday he wasn’t.

Balance is not a part of my life right now. I’ve done essentially no writing this past month. I think about doing a NaNoWriMo kind of editing effort, but that would mean the pendulum swinging to the other extreme and that’s not what I want either. Oh sure, the thought of living a hermit existence and doing only what I want to do when I want to do it is appealing. Wouldn’t that be something? I’d be insane in a short period of time – after I caught up on my sleep.

So I’m sitting on the edge of coping cliff ready to leap off into the unknown hoping to find greener grass. It’s the ‘what do I want to be’ syndrome times fifty. Only there are a few things tying me to this chosen path. The financial wreckage of my past is still with me. Buying all that love has its price, you know. One that reaches years into the future in the form of a second mortgage.

The end is in sight and maybe I’ll get there before this decade rolls over. Maybe I’ll find a different lifestyle in a smaller town where walking to the store and work is doable. One where I’m not tied to a profession by the paycheck (though I do still enjoy aspects of the work.) One where I have time for all I want to do.

Yeah. There’s never enough time for all I want to do.